Howdy, Idol lovers! The Seer here, ready for another slam-bang night full of the sweetest singin' action anywhere. At least it would be if any of these freaks could actually sing. Is it just me, or does this whole season feel like one long episode of Punk'd? If it is, they must have a huge budget considering they'd need 30 million cameras to capture the reaction of all the viewers when Ashton Kutcher runs out on stage. So if one of these Tuesday nights a camera crew pops out of your closet, don't be frightened. Just enjoy your 15 minutes.
You know, I've often said one of the things that makes The Seer special is his spontaneity. (I've also often said how creepy it is that The Seer refers to himself in the third person.) Case in point: I have absolutely no idea who tonight's celebrity coach is. I think that really spices things up, don't you? So, right now, in front of all of you lovely people out in Seerland, I'm going to log on to americanidol.com and find out. One moment, please... God damn it! Bon Jovi? I can't make fun of Jon Bon Jovi. He's way too cool, too hip and too nice a guy. So instead I'll make fun of The Seer's Brother. Man, that TSB. What a dork, right?
Before we get on with the show, I should point out that there's no chance I'll actually be able to hear any of the contestants tonight because we have a really loud fan going in our room. Why do we have a really loud fan going in our room? Because our building was built in 1950 and its air conditioning system can only do heat or cool at any given time. In other words, when the building system is set to heat, it takes a week to switch it to cool. And it's still set to heat because, apparently, the elderly lobby in our building is as powerful as the Teamsters and they need the heat on when it's 65 degrees outside. Seriously, what's up with old people? They're ugly, they're evidently always cold, and they get in my way when I'm trying to walk fast.
On with the show...
Oh jeez, I just remembered that we still have six of these jerkwads to listen to. It's bad enough that they suck, but now we have to listen to them all again?
Jon Bon Jovi's actually starting to look a bit older. That's not a good sign for any of us. I mean, if he doesn't look so good anymore, what the hell chance do the rest of us have?
Phil starts things off tonight. You know what? Phil's starting to gain some serious momentum. Another excellent song choice. Of the three remaining male contestants, he is the best vocalist. Of course, the really loud fan in my room is a better vocalist than Chris. God I hate Chris. Anyway, great performance by Phil. I'm starting to think he's a dark horse to make the final two. That's one of the few times I agree with Randy and Paula and disagree with Simon.
Jordin's singing 'Livin' on a Prayer?' This has no choice but to suck. She's all rocked out tonight. Black clothes, dark lipstick. Frizzy hair. It's a different side of her, and that's good to see. I'm actually liking it more than I thought I would. And I'm sure the judges will love it. Jordin could arm fart the national anthem and they'd say they've never seen a 17 year old who could do that before. Well, Randy didn't like it all that much. Seems Paula didn't, either. Wow, Simon hated it. Hmmmm. I still think it was better than most of the stuff she's done.
Time for LaKisha, who was obviously replaced with a doppelganger eight weeks ago. She'd better do something big tonight, because she was lucky they didn't eliminate anyone last week. She's doing fine, but she should be doing great. She's like Fantasia Light. I think she should come out every week and sing '(And I am Telling You) I Am Not Going.' Just do it every time. Country night? '(And I am Telling You) I Am Not Going.' Rock and roll night? '(And I am Telling You) I Am Not Going.' Polka night? '(And I am Telling You) I Am Not Going.' That would be sweet. She was better tonight than she's been in weeks, but she wasn't amazing. Just good. Maybe very good. But not great.
It's Blake's turn. Hard to imagine Blake being a rocker. Okay, I just watched that whole performance without typing a word. I wanted to save my critique for when it was all over. I know you're all waiting with bated breath to hear what The Seer has to say about Blake's performance. So here it is... the single best performance of the year. Thank god for this kid. He has been just about the only reason to watch this dreadful season. Now, I'm not saying it was the best vocal performance of the year. But for sheer entertainment, it completely ripped every other performance to shreds this year. From the very first beat I was mesmerized. This performance showed once and for all that Blake is the most original and interesting performer this show has ever seen. He's not the best singer, but he's the best performer. And he has the balls to make each and every song his own. Way to go, Blake. You've just single-handedly made me want to watch this show again. I will vote for Blake tonight, and I haven't voted in three months.
Oh great. Chris is up. Good. I'm glad they put him after Blake. It will undoubtedly show how awful a performer he is. Remember when The Seer called Chris the most moronic person in America a couple weeks ago? Well, here's the transcription of the conversation he had with Ryan:
Ryan: What do you tell yourself before you walk out on that stage in front of the millions watching?
Chris: Hmmm. Just have fun. Make it like it's the last, you know. And just have fun, man. It's, it's, it's all about...just have fun.
The Seer rests his case. Why doesn't Ryan just say, "Dude, you're going home tonight. I'm sorry. There's really no reason to keep you around anymore." Incredibly, I think this is pretty good. It's actually a very good song choice for him. In fact, it might be his best performance of the season. Of course, I haven't liked many of his performances this year, so that's not saying much. Still, it was good, and I'm very surprised. (By the way, no one can ever accuse The Seer of not being objective. In case I haven't mentioned it, I hate Chris. But I give credit where credit is due.)
I like commercials with chicks in bras.
Melinda's closing things out tonight. Another great performance, and she moved effortlessly into the rocker mode. She's just a great singer, and she's gotten better with each passing week. Again, in terms of vocals, she's head and shoulders above the rest of the remaining contestants.
Paula was right. This was a very good night. I actually enjoyed every one of the six performances. It's going to be very difficult to eliminate two of these based on tonight's performances. Blake should get a free pass into the final three after his risky tour de force. Keep in mind that last week's votes count. If they have a bottom three, I'll go with LaKiska, Phil and Jordin, with LaKisha and Phil going home.
So there you have it. Another fantastic night of blogging, if I do say so myself. Wait a minute, what the hell's Zeorge Bush doing on my screen? Oh well, no show is perfect.
Sincerely,
Your Friendly, Neighborhood Seer
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