Hi there, Idol fans. The Seer here, comin' at ya a little late tonight. Sorry about that. TSW and I had to go to Target for the 78th time this week as we continue to get ready for the arrival of The Baby Seer, who's due in about six weeks. Let me tell you, it's been a lot of work getting things ready for TBS. Fortunately, once she arrives, all the hard work will be over and we can just coast for the next 30 years. (You laugh, but keep in mind that I'm a seer, and that enables me to plan for every conceivable situation that will arise in TBS' life. Don't you want to be me?)
For those of you who don't work with The Seer, allow me to inform you that I am battling a cold. Well, it's not so much a cold as it is the most active runny nose in the history of upper respiratory infections. If mucous were edible (and, really, wouldn't that be sweet?) my cold would signal the end of hunger on planet Earth. I've used so much Kleenex today that if I jumped into a swimming pool I would absorb every drop of water within 15 seconds.
I know you could just go on reading about my bodily fluids for days, but we should probably get on with the show...
Let me start off by saying that this American Idol thing has become nearly impossible to predict, even for The Seer. One week this happens, the next week that happens. There's no rhyme or reason to it anymore. I don't know whether to scream or eat a banana.
Gwen Stefani is tonight's guest coach. This should be pretty good. Especially if she got a boob job. Seriously, though, I dig Gwen. She's very talented.
So is Ryan Seacrest trying to single-handedly revive the skinny tie craze? He's the only person in America who's wearing those things. Why didn't they introduce all the contestants at the top of the show? I like when they all parade out and do their little waves. Plus, they always come out in the order in which they sing on that particular show. Now I don't know what order they'll be in. (Right about now you're probably saying, 'But wait, you're a seer. You should already know what order they're going in.' What you haven't accounted for is that my TV screen is made of lead. [A little Superman humor there for ya!])
LaKisha's leading off tonight. She's doing Donna Summer. Didn't somebody do this song last week or a couple weeks ago? This is a good performance, but again, nothing incredible from a woman who should be incredible every week. Plus, she gets points deducted for singing a song that someone else sang earlier this season. Unless I'm wrong about that, in which case the world will explode. I've been a little disappointed with LaKisha the last few weeks.
Chris S. is up next, that crazy Bob Jones grad. I wonder if he prays every night that his hair will fall off. Oh no, he's doing a Police song, which is TSW's cue to walk out the door. TSW hates The Police, but ironically, she loves Sting. Don't ask. I definitely didn't marry her for her logic. Actually, I married her for her backscratches. And her Ethel Merman impression. Back to Chris. This is really boring. He's kind of a one-trick pony. He never does anything interesting. I want him dead. Just kidding. I only want him seriously injured.
Here comes Gina, who really has to thank her lucky stars that she's still around. Gina is a perfect example of how this show has become so unpredictable. Any other season, and she would be the first one voted off, guaranteed. You know, she's actually got a nice voice. Her problem is it's not very strong, and the kind of songs she sings call for a very strong voice. But she's definitely likable, and she did a nice job with a good song choice. Wow, Simon really gave her the love. Mmmmm...chalk and cheese.......
Here we go...it's Sanjaya time! I wonder how awful she'll be tonight. Basically, Gwen is saying she's going to be awful. Okay, this has officially crossed over into Twilight Zone territory. Chick's got a rooster on her head. It's pretty obvious she's trying to get kicked off the show. Sanjaya is definitely not my kind of girl.
It's Haley's turn. Cyndi Lauper songs have not been kind to Idol contestants over the years, so this is a risk. But if she's wearing short shorts again, who really cares, right? Well, it's not shorts, but the dress is really short. This isn't all that good, but Haley is really sexing things up lately, and for that she deserves to stay on the show for at least six more years.
At this point I'd like to point out that TSW and I have been watching 'American Idol Rewind,' and Kelly Clarkson was so great in Season 1 that they probably should have just ended the show after the first year. She's so much better than anyone they've ever had on this show, it's not even funny. Well, it's a little funny. Not "40 Year Old Virgin" funny. More like "Three's Company" funny.
I should tell you that I just took six doses of NyQuil, so if I start to become even more incoherent than I normally am, please call 911 and scream, "SEER DOWN! SEER DOWN!" into the phone.
Here comes Phil, another guy who should be thrilled to still be around. What's with the hat? Oh no, another Police song? TSW just hurled all over the bed. I think this a good song choice for him. I think this is the best performance of the night so far. Every once in a while, Phil does something you're not expecting. In fact, he was so good, he'll probably be gone tomorrow. Amazingly, I completely agree with Paula. Phil always shines on the choruses.
Melinda is doing a Donna Summer song, too. For those keeping score at home, that's Donna Summer 2, The Police 2, Some Chick with a Rooster on Her Head 1. I want to let everyone out in Seerland know that I'm forming a posse to go out and look for Melinda's neck. This woman can really sing. Could you imagine how great she would be if there was actually some space between her chest and her chin? Has anyone brought up the possibility that she's an alien? Don't humans have necks? Anyway, she's probably the best we have this year vocally. But she's not someone who's going to make me go out and buy an album the way, say, Scarlett Joahnnson would.
It's always fun when Blake comes around. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Blake's voice, and even his look, remind me of Sting. This might sound strange, but trust me, at some point one of the judges is going to make the Sting comparison and you'll shout at the TV, "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE SEER SAID!" This wasn't a great performance, and in fact in was a bit boring. But it wasn't awful, and Blake probably has enough juice to stick around.
Jordin's up. She's doing a No Doubt song. Seems a bit strange for her. Is she wearing a tablecloth from an Italian restaurant? That's one of the weirder outfits we've seen in a while. Sanjaya will probably wear it next week. This was a step back for Jordin, who had really been building momentum. This, boys and girls, is what a poor song choice can do for you. I totally disagree with the judges.
Does anyone else think that Paula's been a bit too normal the last couple weeks? Doesn't she know the public has come to expect a certain craziness from her? Has her Vicodin prescription run out? She should start dating House. He'd fix her up.
Chris R. is closing things out tonight. He was actually good last week. Can he keep it up? Here's his problem: His voice is just too weak. The chorus of this song calls for a singer to really go for the gusto, and Chris can't come close. Bad song choice. He could be in trouble. Ah, there's the Paula we know and love. I guess she took some time-release capsules.
All in all, a forgettable show. So, what's going to happen? I'm going to venture a bit outside the box here. Why not? This show's impossible to predict anyway. I'll say Chris Sligh, Haley and Jordin the bottom three, with Haley going home.
That'll do for tonight, people. I'm off to buy some Puffs with serious lotion.
-Your Friendly, Neighborhood Seer
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